ask for what you want!
Part III - Hello! This week’s discussion is my favorite topic. I’d like to start with an excerpt from my Book:
When Life Knocks You Down – Get Up!
The ways we communicate determine two things:
1) The Outcome of the issue we’re communicating about.
2) The Quality of our relationships.
Speak with respect, consideration, and love, and in healthy relationships, that’s what you get back. Be inconsiderate, condescending or rude and you’re likely to breed contempt.
Do you know how to ask for what you want in a way that allows another to maintain dignity? Are you careful not to play the “Blame Game” and take responsibility for your own part in the relationship?
Using “I” statements will help to assure that you not only garner cooperation, but also deepen intimacy with those you love. It works with friends and in the workplace too!
Are there things you’d like to ask of the people in your life? Would you like more time with your partner? More respect from your teenager? Fewer expectations from your parents? How can you ask using “I” statements?
Here’s an example of an unhealthy way to communicate:
What??? You didn’t do the dishes yet? It’s 5 o’clock! You’re not going anywhere until those dishes are done! As a matter of fact, you’re grounded! …yada,yada,yada…..
Imagine hands on hips, finger shaking or in-your-face yelling and it’s even worse. How would you feel about yourself after someone attacked you like that? Right or wrong doesn’t matter. How would you feel?
Try this formula and see what happens…
1) When _______
2) I feel _______
3) because (optional)_______
4)_________ really makes a difference, means a lot, helps me, etc.
Let’s try this with the scenario above:
“When (the dishes aren’t done) I feel (mad, sad, etc.) because (I really like I clean kitchen). (Getting help) really makes things easier on me, especially when chores are done on time.”
Do you hear the difference? Perform a “YOU-ectomy” when you ask for what you want, and see what happens.
The first step to change is awareness. Here’s the personal assessment from my Transformation 2010 Program on Facebook – 52 Modules and free coaching for a year.
Personal Assessment
Please check the items that are true for you:
__ Overall, I am happy with my relationship(s).
__ I have a great relationship with my child(ren).
__ I’m comfortable maintaining eye contact when communicating with others.
__ I have good listening skills.
__ I feel heard by others when I voice my concerns.
__ I give compliments easily.
__ I ask for what I want.
__ I am okay with others saying no when I ask for what I want.
__ I have trouble telling others how I feel. I hold my feelings inside.
__ I am frustrated or disappointed with some aspect of my relationship(s).
__ When others are upset with me, I get defensive.
__ I put the needs of others ahead of my own.
__ I have trouble making decisions.
__ I need to be right when arguing a point.
__ I feel bad/unloved when someone disagrees with me or confronts me.
__ Instead of listening when someone’s talking, I think about what to say next.
__ I often feel that others are critical of me.
__ I am critical or judgmental of others.
__ I see what’s wrong and love to give advice.
__ I try to make others feel guilty when they don’t do as I say.
__ When two people argue, one is always right and the other wrong.
__ We argue and yell when we communicate at home.
Are there things that if you changed them would enhance the quality of your life? Practice writing out “I” statements for the requests you make of others. Learn to communicate this way and watch your relationships thrive!
Let me know how it goes. Have a great week!
Judith
